Funny Quotes

Life can be a little boring and dull sometimes. A good laugh or chuckle can help increase positivity or break the ice in an awkward situation. There are many benefits to being funny, having a sense a humor and daily laughter. These funny quotes will surely brighten your day.

Find Funny Quotes, Proverbs and Funny sayings from Comedians, celebrities, and famous authors. Share these funny quotes with coworkers, friends, and family to help put a smile on their face.


 

Will Rogers – George Washington will sue us for calling him father

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him 'father.' Will Rogers
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Dick Clark- If you want to stay young-looking

If you want to stay young-looking, pick your parents very carefully.      -Dick Clark This humorous quote by Dick Clark is referring to youth. If a person wants to stay young, they should pick their parents carefully-- which is impossible, as we do not get to select our parents. Therefore, this quote can be seen as a humorous 'joke.' Genetics and environmental factors has a major influence on our aging process. We get our looks from both parents, and when we
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Wally Wang- Working for an unemployment office

I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.      Wally Wang
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Rita Rudner- Father’s Day Gift

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier." So he went out and bought a present for my mother. Rita Rudner
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Unknown- Weird Things Are Supposed To Happen

On Friday the 13th weird things are supposed to happen ... Maybe I'll get in to a relationship.      unknown
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With a doughnut in each hand– Jameela Jamil

With a doughnut in each hand, anything is possible. Jameela Jamil
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I am a marvelous housekeeper- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.      Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Clarity or focus doesn’t come from God or inspirational quotes- Shannon L. Alder

Clarity and focus doesn’t always come from God or inspirational quotes. Usually, it takes your mother to slap the reality back into you.      Shannon L. Alder
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Chemists do not usually stutter-William Crookes

Chemists do not usually stutter. It would be very awkward if they did, seeing that they have at times to get out such words as methylethylamylophenylium.      William Crookes
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I can drive you crazy without a drivers license- Abhishek Tiwari

I can drive you crazy without a drivers license. Abhishek Tiwari
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Second mouse gets the cheese-Jeremy Paxman

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Jeremy Paxman
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Family is Lactose Intolerant-Jay London

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese. Jay London
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Men Are Like Cats- Helen Rowland

A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run - sit still and ignore him and he'll come purring at your feet. Helen Rowland
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Ellen Perry Berkeley- Nobody owns a cat

As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. Ellen Perry Berkeley
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Judith Viorst- Breaking a Chocolate Bar

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands and then eat just one of the pieces. Judith Viorst
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Frank Hubbard-Doubling Money In Pocket

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. Frank Hubbard
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Brian South-Brunch is such an odd thing

Brunch is such an odd thing. It was created by fat, lazy people who were too lazy to wake up at a reasonable hour and too fat to wait until the next proper time for dining. Brian South
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Phyllis Batelle- Broken Heart Makes Life Wonderful

A broken heart is what makes life so wonderful five years later, when you see that special in an elevator and he is fat and smoking and saying 'Long time no see.' Phyllis Batelle
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Dave Ramsey- Broke People Giving Financial Advice

Broke people giving financial advice is like a shop teacher with missing fingers. Dave Ramsey
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Cindy Gardner- Difference Between Boyfriend and Husband

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. Cindy Gardner
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Rodney Dangerfield-Bisexuality Double Chances For Saturday Date

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.      Rodney Dangerfield
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Finley Peter Dunne- Reading Doctor Bill and Not Prescription

I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.      Finley Peter Dunne
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Robin Williams- Gay burglars

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.      Robin Williams
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Trey Parker & Matt Stone- Teaching a Gay Dog Tricks

You know what they say: You can't teach a gay dog straight tricks. Trey Parker & Matt Stone
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Jules Renard-Love is like an hour-glass

Love is like an hour-glass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. Jules Renard
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Jimmy Kimmel- Being Late in London

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town. Jimmy Kimmel
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Rita Rudner- Wondering about Poodle Dogs

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Rita Rudner What does this mean? We think Rita is asking if all dogs get along? What do you think? Or if considering it, find other quotations on animal lovers. As dog and animal lovers, we think they do get along. We have many dogs and poodles that play together, enjoy each others company, and get along. So we do not think one dog breed thinks
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Rita Rudner- Love Being Married

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
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Lisa Kennedy Montgomery- How many People Work Here

When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them. Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
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Jay Leno- Psychic Winning Lottery

How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery"? Jay Leno
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Chris Rock

Chris Rock On Women and Age

If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.      Chris Rock Other Quotes To Explore
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Jim Carrey- Behind Every Great Man

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.       Jim Carrey
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Milton Berle- The Problem With Life

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. Milton Berle
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Henny Youngman-Sleeping Late in Morning

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman
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Frank Sinatra- Feeling Bad For People Who Don’t Drink

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.       Frank Sinatra
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Mark Twain On Copyright Laws

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. Mark Twain
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Fred Allen- Law School Humor

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. Fred Allen
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Dave Letterman- USA Today Survey

USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population.      Dave Letterman
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Dennis Miller- Self-help books

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. Dennis Miller
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Groucho Marx- Never Forgetting a Face

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.      Groucho Marx
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Jack Handey- Before Criticizing Someone

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Jack Handey
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Dave Barry- Finishing what started

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. Dave Barry
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Socrates- Good or Bad Wife

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.      Socrates
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Demetri Martin- Worst time to have a heart attack

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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Will Ferrell- Before Marrying a Person

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. Will Ferrell
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Robin Williams On Rush Hour being Slow

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?       Robin Williams
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Helen Rowland

Helen Rowland- Life Begins at 40

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.      Helen Rowland Similar Quotes To Explore
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Rodney Dangerfield- Looking Thin With Fat People

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.       Rodney Dangerfield
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Jackie Mason- Married men Cheating in America

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason
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Will Rogers- Everything is Funny

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.      Will Rogers
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Robert Bloch

Robert Bloch- Funny Definition of Friendship

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. Robert Bloch This humorous friendship quote by Robert Bloch is expressing the definition of friendship. Nobody can see genuine friendship, and it can only be felt and experience. Friendship is like peeing on yourself because nobody can feel the 'warm feeling' besides you. With a beautiful friendship, you can receive comfort and support during bad and good times. Robert Bloch
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Steve Martin- Having a Disease Named After You

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.      Steve Martin
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Agatha Christie- Husband Interested in Older Wife

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.      Agatha Christie
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Fred Allen- Celebrity Avoid Being Recognized

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.      Fred Allen
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Demitri Martin – Naming all Presidents

I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.      Demitri Martin
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J.D. Salinger

"It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to."  -J.D. Salinger Other quotes to explore:
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Mark Twain- Father was so ignorant

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.  -Mark Twain
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Mark Twain On Preparation

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. - Mark Twain
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Adlai Stevenson II

"It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse."- Adlai Stevenson II Other quotes to explore:
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Rita Rudner- Men Getting Bikini Wax

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. Rita Rudner
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Barrisdoff

"The Practical joker can be a funny guy until he finds someone who doesn’t find him funny. Then the bully within him has identified a potential victim." -Barrisdoff Other quotes to explore:
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David Sedaris

"I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer."- David Sedaris Other quotes to explore:
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Ken Kesey

"You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things."- Ken Kesey Other quotes to explore:
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Neel Burton- The Truth is Funny Quote

Of all funny things, truth is the funniest. Neel Burton
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Michael Bassey Johnson- Being Funny Quote

The funny part of being funny is when you start seeing your fans writing funny words and attributing them to you. Michael Bassey Johnson
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Edgar Watson Howe-The only way to Amuse Some people

The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. Edgar Watson Howe
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Paul Williams- Being an Alcoholic

You know you're an alcoholic when you misplace things for like a decade. Paul Williams    
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