Humor Quotes

Humor can be the best therapy when feeling sad, depressed or in a bad mood. A little humor can help balance our mood by helping to release anger and sadness.

We have gathered a collection of humorous quotes and humor sayings from comedians, celebrities, authors and other people throughout history to help boost your mood by adding a little joy, reduce anxiety, or just for a good laugh. Browse humor quotes and humor sayings below.


 

Dick_Clark_cropped

Dick Clark- If you want to stay young-looking

If you want to stay young-looking, pick your parents very carefully.      -Dick Clark This humorous quote by Dick Clark is referring to youth. If a person wants to stay young, they should pick their parents carefully-- which is impossible, as we do not get to select our parents. Therefore, this quote can be seen as a humorous 'joke.' Genetics and environmental factors has a major influence on our aging process. We get our looks from both parents, and when we
Read More

Katina Ferguson- Success is found in everything

When you have failed at being nice, you’ve actually succeeded in being mean. Success is everywhere if you know where to look for it.      Katina Ferguson
Read More

Henny Youngman- My horse was so late getting home

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable. Henny Youngman  
Read More

Prince Philip- When a man opens a car door

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. Prince Philip
Read More

Gerard Way-Drinking beer doesn’t make you fat

Drinking beer doesn’t make you fat, it makes you lean…Against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.      Gerard Way
Read More

Comedy is an escape -Christopher Fry

Comedy is an escape, not from truth but from despair; a narrow escape into faith. Christopher Fry
Read More

Comedy Help Relieves Struggles- Suzy Kassem

Comedy is a necessity to get through life with the fewest scars. Humor is the best antidote to help relieve all struggles.      Suzy Kassem
Read More

I am a marvelous housekeeper- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.      Zsa Zsa Gabor
Read More

Clarity or focus doesn’t come from God or inspirational quotes- Shannon L. Alder

Clarity and focus doesn’t always come from God or inspirational quotes. Usually, it takes your mother to slap the reality back into you.      Shannon L. Alder
Read More

Chemistry can be a good and bad thing-Adam Sandler

Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.      Adam Sandler
Read More

Chemists do not usually stutter-William Crookes

Chemists do not usually stutter. It would be very awkward if they did, seeing that they have at times to get out such words as methylethylamylophenylium.      William Crookes
Read More

I can drive you crazy without a drivers license- Abhishek Tiwari

I can drive you crazy without a drivers license. Abhishek Tiwari
Read More

Second mouse gets the cheese-Jeremy Paxman

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Jeremy Paxman
Read More

Family is Lactose Intolerant-Jay London

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese. Jay London
Read More

Men Are Like Cats- Helen Rowland

A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run - sit still and ignore him and he'll come purring at your feet. Helen Rowland
Read More

Phyllis Batelle- Broken Heart Makes Life Wonderful

A broken heart is what makes life so wonderful five years later, when you see that special in an elevator and he is fat and smoking and saying 'Long time no see.' Phyllis Batelle
Read More

Cindy Gardner- Difference Between Boyfriend and Husband

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. Cindy Gardner
Read More

Lord Byron- Always Laugh Whenever You Can

Always laugh when you can...it is a cheap medicine. Lord Byron
Read More

Finley Peter Dunne- Reading Doctor Bill and Not Prescription

I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.      Finley Peter Dunne
Read More

Robin Williams- Gay burglars

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.      Robin Williams
Read More

Trey Parker & Matt Stone- Teaching a Gay Dog Tricks

You know what they say: You can't teach a gay dog straight tricks. Trey Parker & Matt Stone
Read More

Oliver Herford- Women Mind are More Clearer

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. Oliver Herford
Read More

Woody Allen On Wanting to Know The Universe

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.      Woody Allen
Read More

Winston S. Churchill On Lies and Truth

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.      Winston S. Churchill
Read More

Rita Rudner- Love Being Married

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
Read More

Lisa Kennedy Montgomery- How many People Work Here

When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them. Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
Read More

Jay Leno- Psychic Winning Lottery

How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery"? Jay Leno
Read More
Chris Rock

Chris Rock On Women and Age

If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.      Chris Rock Other Quotes To Explore
Read More

Jim Carrey- Behind Every Great Man

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.       Jim Carrey
Read More

Milton Berle- The Problem With Life

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. Milton Berle
Read More

Henny Youngman-Sleeping Late in Morning

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman
Read More

Frank Sinatra- Feeling Bad For People Who Don’t Drink

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.       Frank Sinatra
Read More

Mark Twain On Copyright Laws

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. Mark Twain
Read More

Fred Allen- Law School Humor

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. Fred Allen
Read More

Dave Letterman- USA Today Survey

USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population.      Dave Letterman
Read More

Dennis Miller- Self-help books

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. Dennis Miller
Read More

Groucho Marx- Never Forgetting a Face

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.      Groucho Marx
Read More

Jack Handey- Before Criticizing Someone

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Jack Handey
Read More

Lana Turner On Successful Men and Women

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.       Lana Turner
Read More

Dave Barry- Finishing what started

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. Dave Barry
Read More

Socrates- Good or Bad Wife

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.      Socrates
Read More

Steve Martin- A Day Without Sunshine

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.      
Read More

Oscar Wilde- Borrowing Money From a Pessimist

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.      Oscar Wilde
Read More

Demetri Martin- Worst time to have a heart attack

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Read More

Bob Monkhouse- Dying Peacefully

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.      Bob Monkhouse
Read More

Robin Williams On Rush Hour being Slow

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?       Robin Williams
Read More

Rodney Dangerfield- Looking Thin With Fat People

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.       Rodney Dangerfield
Read More

Jackie Mason- Married men Cheating in America

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason
Read More

Sarah Silverman- Sticky Kitchen Floor

My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers. Sarah Silverman
Read More

Will Rogers- Everything is Funny

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.      Will Rogers
Read More

Steve Martin- Having a Disease Named After You

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.      Steve Martin
Read More

Agatha Christie- Husband Interested in Older Wife

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.      Agatha Christie
Read More

Fred Allen- Celebrity Avoid Being Recognized

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.      Fred Allen
Read More

Erma Bombeck On Marriage having No Guarantee

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck
Read More

Homer Simpson, The Simpsons- Failing Miserably

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. Lesson is, never try.      Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
Read More

Plato On The Touch Of Love

At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet. Plato
Read More

Frank Sinatra-Alcohol and Enemy

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
Read More

Charles Manson Quote On Being Crazy

You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy.      Charles Manson
Read More

Yiddish Proverb On Work and Health

"Health? Very nice! But where will we get potatoes?"
Read More

Italian Proverb On Kissing

"A kiss without a moustache is like beef without mustard." 
Read More

Irish Proverb On Women and Liquor

"Women do not drink liquor, but it disappears when they are present."
Read More

Orson Welles On Impressing Women

"If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends." Orginal Source: In a 1970 interview with David Frost.
Read More

Charles Dickens on Characters

"If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers." Original Source: The Old Curiousity Shop (1899).
Read More

Darynda Jones- Eating Bananas In Public

If you must eat a banana in public, never make eye contact. Darynda Jones
Read More

Bill Cosby- Laughter Helps In Painful Situation

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.      Bill Cosby
Read More

James J. Walsh Quote On Health and Laughter

People who laugh actually live longer than those who don't laugh. Few persons realize that health actually varies according to the amount of laughter. James J. Walsh
Read More

Mark Twain- Reading Health Books

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -Mark Twain 
Read More

Julian Clary- Getting Older and Less Attractive

The good thing about getting older is that, as you become less attractive, so you have less desire to go out and conquer everyone you see.      Julian Clary
Read More

Henny Youngman- The Secret To a Long Marriage

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Henny Youngman
Read More

Barbara Johnson- Babies Likes Change

No one likes change but babies in diapers. Barbara Johnson
Read More

Mark Twain- April Fool’s Day

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. -Mark Twain
Read More

Robert A. Heinlein- Cats and Women Quote

Woman and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Robert A. Heinlein
Read More

John Mason Brown- Men and Women In America

America is a land where men govern, but women rule. John Mason Brown
Read More

Ann Landers- Competition In America

Anyone who believes the competitive spirit in America is dead has never been in a supermarket when the cashier opens another check-out line.      Ann Landers
Read More

Joe Moore- Freedom of Speech In America

America: Where a man can say what he thinks, if he isn't afraid of his wife, his boss, his customer, his neighbors, or the government.      Joe Moore
Read More

Henry A Kissinger- Sitting Back Row of an Airplane

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.      Henry A Kissinger
Read More
rison Ford Quote On Getting Older

Harrison Ford Quote On Getting Older

You know you are getting old when all the names in your black book have MD after them. Harrison Ford
Read More

Robert C. Gallagher- Change is Inevitable

Change is inevitable. except from a vending machine. Robert C. Gallagher
Read More

P.J. O’Rourke- Always Read Good Books

“Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.” P.J. O’Rourke
Read More

Ethel Barrymore- Growing Up Means Laughing At Yourself

You grow up on the day you have your first real laugh, at yourself. Ethel Barrymore
Read More

Grenville Kleiser- Humor For The Mind and Body

Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment. Grenville Kleiser
Read More

James Carlos Blake Quote On laughing At Yourself

A man who can laugh at himself is truly blessed, for he will never lack for amusement. James Carlos Blake
Read More

Shirley MacLaine Quote On Laughing At Yourself

A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused. Shirley MacLaine
Read More

Edgar Watson Howe-The only way to Amuse Some people

The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. Edgar Watson Howe
Read More

Damon Albarn- Using Drugs To Feel Normal

In the 1960s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal Damon Albarn
Read More